So yesterday was our first school trip. We went to Colchester Zoo. It was a tiring but a fantastic day.
I caught a glimpse of my old self. I was off guard. Never saw it coming. For a few split seconds maybe more I stepped back into my old life….Before I was married, before I had children. When I was single, care free and well just fucking “different”.
It was seeing the giraffes and elephants. It took me back to 2011. I back packed around Johannesburg, Cape Town, Zimbabwe, South Africa, I did the coast of Oz and India. I volunteered with Lion Cubs, did Safari’s, swam with a dolphin, bathed elephants, fed giraffes, went whale watching, did a shark dive and took myself off to the theatre at Sydney Opera House. 9 months. I will never forget stepping on to the beaches in Oz and standing on the pier in front of the opera house. Sitting on a boat sailing through a river in South Africa watching the sunset, having afternoon tea in a Victorian Colonial Hotel before heading out to Victoria Falls.
I don’t need to tell you it was the trip of a lifetime. But what I felt inside was freedom, expansion, clarity, positivity, abundance and peace. I felt it like I have never felt it in my life. When I stood on the pier in front of the Opera House I realised I can be my own person, whoever I want to be and I don’t have to be responsible for anybody. Travelling changed me, really changed me.
My last trip was India where I met my wonderful husband. We got married in 2013. Debyani was born in 2014. Deveena was born in 2017. As amazing as life has been with my husband and my daughters I haven’t again felt what I did when I travelled. When I saw the elephants and giraffes yesterday I was taken back there. For a minute I felt overwhelmingly sad, l have lost her. I felt a deep longing to be back there again. Alone.
This morning when Deveena woke me up, I lay in bed with her cuddling her. She looked up at me with her big black blinking eyes and said “mummy I love you”. Then It hit me. I saw it in her eyes. The depth, contentment, innocence. I realized it’s these very things that have gotten me through motherhood. They are the core of my being and the foundation of values. It’s my courage, belief, spirit that has helped me take one day at a time when I have wanted to run to the toilet and cry, when I have rocked Debyani to sleep for hours at night, when I have had to dig deep because I am out of steam and its only 10am. The clock watching waiting for them to go to bed, the constant bickering between the two that just makes me cringe all the time. The rage inside of always feeling like I do more then my husband, the fear of judgement from others about how I raise my girls, the comparing myself to other mum’s how they have it so together, the feeling like a constant failure not doing enough, not being enough.
Motherhood has been a tough journey but it’s that freedom that I felt, the self love, the abundance and the space that lives inside of me that gets me through one day at a time. I haven’t lost my old self. I am my old self. If I choose to be.
What stops me from connecting with me?
Tiredness. And I don’t mean just feeling tired. I mean “having kids tiredness”.
The wired nights of insomnia due to sleep deprivation.
Chaos in the house when the kids are on one
Being busy with trying to play catch up in life
Not caring for myself and always putting myself last
Wondering if I suffer depression or is this normal? Is that what being a mum is?
Being distracted with just nothing and shit
An impatience that I have developed since having kids. Like everything has to always be done yesterday.
An anxiety that creeps up whenever it fucking wants to (since having kids).
The guilt of wanting something, not knowing what but to stop, breathe, soak it all in and say I am fucking tired and I need a break. I need somebody to look after me.
For a few years the sleep deprivation fucked me. Becoming a mother made me question the core of who I am. I have dug deep and reached some dark places over these last few years.
Today I realise I am enough. I bring these things into my daily life with my girls, I teach them these things, I show them, share with them, encourage, support, love them and try my best to understand them. I am trying my best to raise them to be vocal, confident, expressive little warriors.
Because that’s what I believe in. My old self is in my girls and it could be the thing that makes them into big unapologetic loud strong positive women.
Do you long for a part of your old self and what stops you connecting with her?
If you are struggling with sleep deprivation call me on 07581 410015 or message me on firstname.lastname@example.org to chat about how I can support you with your little one’s sleep.